An All-Consuming Thought

One thing is clear to me.

I feel it’s a necessity to consume things I’ve always felt were a little too “extra” for me.

I’m sitting here in a New York hotel, reflecting on the past three days here with my daughter.

This life is different than what I’m accustomed to—the noise, the sites, the constant hum of human existence.

There are so many options here in the city. In just a few days, I’ve walked past more restaurants, shops, and humans than I do in a typical 10-month period in rural Iowa. It’s overwhelming to me just how many options there are in the span of one city block.

During “The White-Space Project,” I’m paying close attention to how things make me feel. I’ve been freed up enough to observe the unusual, the atypical, the out-of-norm.

While walking through the streets of a life that isn’t mine, I realized something big—monumental, in fact.

I have a hard time consuming.

I’ve been a worker bee for as long as I can remember. Every job I’ve had since I was old enough to collect a paycheck has been service oriented. I’m a giver more than a taker. Things start to feel uneasy when I’m in a position of being the one who’s served. It’s as if I don’t feel deserving of something, although I can’t pinpoint exactly what I’m not deserving of.

As my first phase of the creativity-infused sabbatical, I’m learning to enjoy simple pleasures and beauty.

• Through my fingers, I’ve run the billowy fabrics of vintage clothing in local second-hand clothing shops.

• On my wrists, I’ve layered multiple strands of my favorite beaded bracelets in all the deep, rich colors that make me feel like an artist.

• With my eyes, I’ve soaked up images of people from all walks of life in clothing they chose specifically with a statement in mind.

• On my hands and feet, I’ve accepted the services of nail technicians to soften my skin and perfectly paint the jewel-tone blue that reminds me of Morocco, even though I’ve never been there.

The reason I’ve struggled with accepting and enjoying simple pleasures of city life remains unclear to me, but in this sabbatical of mine, I feel it’s a necessity to consume things I’ve always felt were a little too “extra” for me.

I’m hoping this will expand my art and creative endeavors.

What do you think?